A reflection by student staff member, Sydney, about her experiences with body image, working out, and how these things connect with her feminism and self love.

Trigger Warning: This blog deals with body image, body dysmorphia, and unhealthy eating practices. Please use self-care.

We live in a day where thick (curvy, slim-thick) is in but what this really means is women with thick thighs/large butts/ big boobs and a TINY waist. One thing thick still doesn’t seem to mean is fat. The media, men, and other women are still always critical of unwanted fat/cellulite/stretch marks and ways to get rid of them… especially in a time where “Fitspo”  has become popular. Let me start off by saying I’m a feminist who believes in radical self love… I’m also a feminist who has a love-hate relationship with working out. I grew up being a year round competitive athlete, basketball, cross country, track, soccer (you name it!), so any time outside of school was spent in gyms or outside practicing skills. I never thought about my body much as an athlete- let me rephrase that… I never thought about the good my body was doing when I was an athlete. I knew I was strong but I thought it was because I was large. “I’m bigger than my friends therefore I have to be stronger than my friends”. Was I actually bigger than my friends though? The photos say no. It never occurred to me that my perception of my body was completely warped. I saw myself as overweight, much bigger than my friends, and was constantly aware of what I was wearing and how people perceived me. And as a young girl who was in Catholic School (Catholic guilt is the real deal), didn’t know much about feminism , and had a mother with body image issues, I was stuck in the perfect storm. My body was always at the front of my mind. I binge ate, starved at some points (why did I throw away so many lunches when I LOVE food?), and was just overall unaware of how toxic my mentality was.

When I graduated high school, I stopped playing sports and focused on school. I turned to feminism and activism to help me understand myself and the world, and I still worked out pretty regularly… I also gained 40 pounds. But guess what else happened? I learned to love my body. Now don’t get me wrong, I still look at my stretchmarks or fat rolls and sometimes feel like a “lazy loser” but I also know that my body does amazing things just to keep me alive, that I am strong, and that all bodies are good bodies. Here’s an important disclaimer though- I’m overweight, my doctors bring it up, my friends notice it, my parents comment on it, and guys tend to tell me “I love bigger women” but overall I’m still seen as “normal” by society. I can still find clothes in most stores, my fat is distributed pretty equally over my body, and I can still move throughout space with ease. I realize that due to this I experience both thin privilege and fat shame at different times. I have come to understand that my experience is a privilege because I CAN find a break from the constant judging in certain spaces.

Like I said, I still like to workout. I like the discipline of it that I learned through sports, and I think I always will. There are major benefits to working out. I like to go into the gym and lift weights or kickbox or do something that makes my muscles scream afterwards. For me, this is a form of radical self love, but it isn’t for everyone, and moreso this love can turn to hate really easily. I workout to feel strong, not skinny, but those two are easy to conflate and I often find myself walking the fine line, and falling on the toxic side if I’m not careful. What is supposed to be about strength and love can turn into weight and fat in the blink of an eye, and it is a constant game of checks and balances (going to the gym…but not twice a day… appreciating my body…but not weighing myself) to make sure I don’t go there. So just as much as I workout to get in a good mental space, I also often have to stop working out to remain in that good space. Even when doing this, I constantly struggle with the guilt over not working out or the guilt of working out for the wrong reasons. Let me just say this- deciding to love your body does not mean your body issues disappear.

I found Bikram Yoga to be a very healthy way to workout and feel strong- I was feeling confident and in touch with my body while not worrying about weight. The problem- Bikram Yoga as well as fitness classes are EXPENSIVE (I’m talking over $100 a month here), which leads me to my next point. Fitness is a feminist issue AND an intersectional one. Some women don’t want to workout to feel self love. Some do and can’t afford it, and some aren’t represented in the fitness world at all. Sidenote, if you hate running, don’t do it! Hate the gym? Don’t go! What works for some and what some see as self love isn’t for all and it would be pretty antifeminist to try and insist it does.

We know poor women are more likely to be overweight and that curvy figures are more accepted by women of color, but what does this mean for women who want to workout or engage in health related activities but don’t have the funds or don’t see themselves represented? If you search “fit woman” on the internet what do you get? White women. White women with muscles. White women with no body fat. Now that, in itself, is an issue, but add in that these women are all able bodied (Inspiration Porn is real too yall, don’t even get me started), they are feminine, and they have all the trendy gear and equipment they need.

Let’s be real here, I haven’t worked out in months. I’m a grad student taking a full course load and working two jobs- when that’s done, I just want to go to bed. I still miss it… specifically lifting… but right now self care means something different. I also still feel guilty about it- especially when my clothes don’t fit or I’m “feeling fat”, but I’ve also been better about putting things in perspective and keeping a healthy mindset. I don’t have all the answers here. Fitness and feminism is a hard issue and not everyone has a healthy relationship with working out, (like I said, sometimes I don’t either) but I needed a space to discuss the fact that this is a conflicting issue with me, that I struggle, and that I’m trying my best. I think other women could use this space as well. So here’s to figuring it out together,

“All bodies are good bodies. You do not need to lose weight to have a good body. All bodies are real bodies. You are perfect at whatever size you like best. I preach this loud and proud to my friends, to my niece, to my mother, to my girlfriend. Honestly, I truly believe it. I also believe in giving a big middle finger to society’s standards of beauty, and I think it’s completely true that anyone can be healthy at whatever size they are.” – Sarah Hansen

Note: I purposefully left my weight out of this blog. I went back and forth on this decision but ultimately decided it would not do any good or help my point by just adding numbers in.

Links for further reading:

The complicated relationship between feminism and fitness
How to work exercise out of self love not fat shaming

Intersectionality of fitness

About how you don’t always have to love your body

Some other blog posts about bodies:

Making my body a brave space

How my feminism intersects body consciousness with health benefits

Naomi Mburu ’18, chemical engineering, is the first student in UMBC history to receive the prestigious Rhodes Scholarship.

Established in 1902, the Rhodes Scholarship is the oldest and most celebrated international fellowship award in the world. Each year, 32 young students from the United States are selected as Rhodes Scholars, through a process representing the 50 states, the District of Columbia, and the U.S. territories. Rhodes Scholars are chosen not only for their outstanding scholarly achievements, but for their character, commitment to others and to the common good, and for their potential for leadership in whatever domains their careers may lead. Past Rhodes Scholars include Bill Clinton, Rachel Maddow, Cory Booker, George Stephanopoulos, and Susan Rice. UMBC now stands shoulder to shoulder with the best and the brightest. 
 
“As a Rhodes Scholar, I will be completing a Ph.D. in engineering science and likely conducting my research under Dr. Peter Ireland at Oxford University to work on heat transfer applications for nuclear fusion reactors,” says Mburu. “I believe the Rhodes Scholarship will allow me to foster a strong community amongst my fellow scholars.”

Mburu is currently working with Gymama Slaughter, Associate Professor of Computer Science and Electrical Engineering, to to develop a bioreactor to extend the viability of human organs awaiting transplant. The sensors will track glucose levels, lactic acid, and nitric oxide to ensure that the organ remains healthy as it is transported to the recipient. “As a mentor, I’m fortunate to work with the best and brightest students at UMBC, including Naomi, who have a strong desire to change the world. Naomi’s aspiration is to become an advocate for scientific advancement in renewable energy sources and education equality. The Rhodes scholarship is a well-deserved recognition of the positive impact she will have in the field of nuclear engineering and on the human condition across the world," says Slaughter. 

Naomi has co-authored two publications with her mentor, and also presented her research at multiple conferences and at URCAD. Naomi's other undergraduate research experiences include internships at world-class research institutions such as Johns Hopkins, Vanderbilt University, Intel, and at the European Center for Nuclear Research (CERN) in Geneva, Switzerland. One of only ten Americans selected for the CERN experience from three hundred applicants- and the only African American female in her cohort- Naomi combines great tenacity and drive with a strong sense of self and a deep understanding of others. While she was studying abroad in Geneva, Naomi came to appreciate the benefits of doing research as part of a team of international scientists with diverse viewpoints and ideas. The Rhodes Scholarship will provide Naomi with superb opportunities to develop her talents and deepen her connections to people from around the world who are all working to solve global problems related to nuclear energy. 

Mburu’s success shows that UMBC’s commitment to research and unique undergraduate academic opportunities is working, explains April Householder, Director of Undergraduate Research and Nationally Competitive Scholarships. "Naomi took advantage of everything UMBC had to offer during her time here as an undergraduate student- engaging with dedicated faculty mentors, being involved in academic support programs like the Honors College and the Meyerhoff Scholars Program, dedicating herself to undergraduate research, giving back to the community as a Sherman STEM classroom coach, receiving a Goldwater Scholarship, serving as a student leader in NSBE, and studying abroad. It takes a well-integrated team of dedicated support staff to prepare a candidate for this process. I was impressed by  how Naomi listened humbly to every piece of advice that she was given by our team in Undergraduate Academic Affairs throughout the rigorous application process.” She adds, “I am delighted that Naomi is the first Rhodes Scholar in the history of our institution.With Naomi's success, we can say with confidence that UMBC has finally arrived as a national leader in innovation, teaching, and student success. This is a monumental accomplishment and we couldn’t be more proud."

Naomi adds, “Being the first Rhodes Scholar from UMBC is a tremendous honor! I am excited for the recognition that this is bringing UMBC, and I am elated that UMBC's first Rhodes Scholar went to an African American female in STEM! That really shows the power of the minority STEM recruitment and support at UMBC.”

The office of nationally competitive scholarships helps support high-acheiving students to study within the U.S and abroad, by providing funding for graduate school and research opportunities. These scholarships are recognized as some of the most prestigious in the world, and their purpose is to develop outstanding students into leaders whose research and careers will have far-reaching impacts on the world. UMBC provides direct support to students seeking to apply for nationally competitive scholarships. If you are interested in applying for one of these opportunities, contact Dr. April Householder at aprilh@umbc.edu. Before beginning this process, please review the eligibility guidelines for the scholarship(s) you are interested in.

Kevin is a Biology major who will graduate in 2019. The major focus of his work is to explore issues at the interface between development and human disease, with a view towards identifying novel points of therapeutic intervention. He works in Dr. Charles Bieberich's lab on the ongoing question of homeobox gene function in mouse development intersected with human prostate cancer with the discovery of the mouse Nkx3.1 gene.

How did you find you mentor? I work with Dr. Charles Bieberich in the Biological Sciences department. I originally came to hear of his research through searches for researching professors in cancer biology at UMBC. I then emailed him and checked by his office persistently until I was able to schedule a time to meet with him.I began researching in cancer biology during a biophysics high school summer internship at the National Institutes of Standards and Technology in radiation dosimetry. I was enthralled by cancer research ever since and knew after meeting Dr. Bieberich that his research in prostate cancer would be a perfect fit for me.

Is this your first independent research? This is my second independent research project with the first being my radiation dosimetry project at the National Institute of Standards and Technology.

How much time do you put into it? I spend about 15 hours an academic week in the laboratory with a 35-hour week during academic breaks and vacations.

How did you hear about the Undergraduate Research Award (URA) program? I heard about the Undergraduate Research Award from my mentors in the Honors College. I am currently preparing my application for the 2018-19 award.

What has been the hardest part about your research? The hardest part of conducting my research is that since I work with mice, I must be available at any given hour during the day to check on the mice and handle any circumstances that may arise from working within a murine model. It becomes difficult at times to manage working in the laboratory and working on schoolwork.

What was the most unexpected thing? The most unexpected thing to occur from working in Dr. Bieberich’s prostate cancer laboratory is that after two years of working in the laboratory, I would be working on proposing a dietary study that involves the surprising link between prostate cancer, diabetes, and obesity. I never thought that diabetes could actually decrease prostate cancer risk.

How does your research relate to your work in other classes? My work in the laboratory relates to many of the laboratory procedures that I learned about in BIOL141, BIOL302, and BIOL303. My newest research in the effects of diet on prostate cancer relate to my Honors College seminar on the science of obesity.

What else are you involved in on campus? I am Treasurer of the Honors College Council, a Red Cross Volunteer, and Student Brand Ambassador for Kaplan Test Prep.

What is your advice to other students about getting involved in research? My advice to other student about getting involved research is to never be too shy to approach a mentor about their research. Mentors are busy and may seem cold at first, but they genuinely do want to teach students about research and inspire students to become involved in research.

What are your career goals? My career goal is to become a professor in cancer biology researching the effects of macromolecule receptors and microtubule stabilizing proteins on cancer progression.

Want to be featured as a Researcher of the Week?
Email aprilh@umbc.edu

UMBC’s Amended Policy on Sexual Misconduct prohibits Interpersonal Violence. Relationship Violence and Domestic Violence are forms of Interpersonal Violence under the University’s Policy.

Who does the Policy apply to?

Relationship Violence:

§  A person who is or has been in a social relationship of a romantic or intimate nature with a UMBC community member.

§  Social Relationships are determined based on:

o   Relationship length

o   Relationship type

o   Frequency of interaction between the persons involved

Domestic Violence:

§  A UMBC community member’s current or former spouse or intimate partner;

§  A person with whom the UMBC community member shares a child in common;

§  A person who is cohabitating with or has cohabitated with the UMBC community member as a spouse or intimate partner;

§  A person similarly situated to a spouse of the UMBC community member;

§  Any other person who is protected from those acts under the domestic or family violence laws of Maryland. 

What do these Prohibited Behaviors look like?

*not all of these factors have to be present

Where can my student get help on campus if they experience either of these forms of Interpersonal Violence?

Confidential Support and Access to Resources

University Health Services:  410.455.2542

Counseling Center:                 410.455.2472

Quasi-Confidential Support and Access to Resources

Women’s Center:                   410.455.2714 

Title IX Resources Team (see the Policy for the list of faculty/staff members on the team and their contact information).

Non-Confidential Support and Access to Resources

Bobbie L. Hoye, Title IX Coordinator                                          410.455.1606

Vice President of Student Affairs Office                                      410.455.2393

Mosaic Center                                                                                   410.455.2686

Student Disability Services                                                            410.455.2459

International Education Services                                                 410.455.2624

Office of Financial Aid & Scholarships                                       410.455.2387

Off Campus Student Services                                                       410.455.2770

Last week on Wednesday, November 8th, the Women’s Center held our final roundtable discussion of our fall series. The theme: Women in Writing. Panelists, moderator, and participants generated a fascinating discussion on the valuation of women as writers, artists, and creators in greater society. Although much of the criticism that was voiced made for a bleak outlook, our panelists passed on enlightening advice for all artists struggling to make a life with their work.

The roundtable began with the moderator (in this case, myself!) presenting some statistics to ground the conversation. Student staff members had done research to discover the representation of women as both content makers and content matter. Some highlights in these statistics include that women have made gains in more bylines from 2011 to 2014, but they still don’t make up even half of the men’s bylines; half of the National Book Award recipients from 2000 to 2014 have been by men and about men; and similarly, more than half of the Pulitzer Prize recipients from 2000 to 2015 have been by men and about men. In adding an intersectional lens to this data, we also find that women’s publications (when they actually happen) are dominated by white women–women of color, as you may have guessed, make up only a small fraction of the women published in both Poetry and The New Yorker. Check out VIDA for even more numbers on this topic.

Panelists (from left to right): Johanna Alonso, Missy Smith, and Tanya Olson

These numbers stressed the need for this conversation, and our panelists delivered many times over. Tanya Olson (poet and faculty in the English Department), Missy Smith AKA QueenEarth (singer/songwriter and coordinator in the Women’s Center), and Johanna Alonso (writer and UMBC student) started strong in their introductions teasing out themes that we would continue unraveling throughout the panel discussion. Some of the major points from the discussion included:

• There is a double standard in today’s literary canon. Women are constantly reading about men and books by men, but men reading books about women/by women is not emphasized in the same way. Johanna brought up, for example, that despite the Hunger Games series popularity, many men in her life refused to read the books because the main character was female (and written by a woman).
• The wealthy heterosexual white male gatekeeper has the power to set mainstream agendas. Many of the panelists agreed that the mainstream art society was a typically masculine space defined by male gatekeepers. When we have those gatekeepers in the form of editors, publishers, producers, etc. they control the agenda, which more often than not does not place value with marginalized creators and their content.
• Despite the harsh landscape, progress is being made. Both Tanya and Missy spoke to the idea that there is plenty in the world that motivates them to continue what they do, and that comes in the form of the other folks like them–people of color, LGBTQ folks, etc.–who are being published, performing, and making careers for themselves. This visibility, to both Tanya and Missy, is crucial not only for them, but for all of the other writers and artists who aspire to grow in their fields. Missy specifically noted that she writes music and performs to empower others to do the same.
• You must value you yourself. In order to do this work, you must value yourself. You must continue to believe in your work and the process of honing your craft. This is the driving factor for all of our panelists. Sparked by a question in the crowd about the devaluation of spoken word poetry versus musicians as art, Missy brought up that you have to stick up for yourself. If, for example, you are the only poet in a lineup of musicians, you need to ask to get the same payout as the musicians, because your art is worth that much.
• The reality is that you are not alone. Although it can feel lonely and exhausting to be one of the only “different” people (women of color, LGBTQ people, immigrants, etc.) in your field, you are not alone. Tanya made this point and noted, as well, that even though it may feel isolating, there is a path for everyone–you just have to find it. For her, this meant finding the person who was one step ahead of her, and looking to them as a model and/or a mentor. Johanna noted that her ambivalence transitioned to enthusiasm in a writing class when she found that she was not the only person writing stories about queer people. Just so, when we find the people who make space for us, we need to take it and make more space for all those who follow.

This rich conversation made clear that although there are many barriers that make women writers and artists journeys more difficult, these also create the richness and depth in their stories. The struggle, in some ways, necessitates the story/song/play/etc. in our world, and that success in writing is the sustained progress we make as we take up space and demand equity in the valuation of our art.

In final words of advice, Johanna encouraged us to venture into the nether regions of the Twitter-verse for obscure literary magazines and to read from those sources. Finding art in the most un-obvious places is a way to constantly learn more. Tanya again noted that mentorship can be key, and to find the person who you want to be–and start there. Finally, Missy took us home: “Failure is stopping. We have to keep moving and focusing on the long-game. It’s okay to be different–in fact it’s better

Further reading:

• Women Write About Family, Men Write About War
• The Most Intersectional VIDA Count Yet Paints A Troubling Picture
• Do Women Get to Write with Authority?
• We Need Diverse Books: Why Diversity Matters for Everyone
• UMBC’s The Retriever review of Women in Writing event