When I Was In College, I Didn't Know ...
by David Hoffman
I was a sensitive young man, sometimes confused or hurt by social situations and people's behavior. In the years after college, I finally started to see patterns in circumstances that had baffled me or caused me pain. I began to write them down, so that I would not forget.
I'm glad I did. Even now, decades later, I still sometimes need the reminders.
I first published my list on Co-Create UMBC nine years ago, and have been thrilled that others have found it useful. I'm hoping that's true for you, and that you'll add your own insights--even the ones you're still working out--as comments. Let's help each other make our way.
1.A very large portion of people’s behavior is driven by insecurity. And a very large portion of the behavior that stems from insecurity can look like confidence.
2.In many situations, people face a choice between doing something in a way that feels right, resonates, comes from the heart, makes sense, and fits the moment; or doing the thing in the way that they think they are supposed to do it. Examples: Giving a speech; proposing marriage; dealing with somebody’s emotional crisis; disciplining a child; interviewing a job candidate; responding “heroically” to a threat. More often than not, the genuine approach produces more satisfying results. And more often than not, people instead choose to do what they think they are supposed to do. (Part of the problem is that people’s sense of what they are supposed to do comes from many sources, including media, that present the relevant situations in misleading ways. For example, the media may capture the mechanical aspects of an effective speech but not the way the words match the emotions of the moment).
3.
Situations take a while to play out. There’s no need to panic, or to assume that what initially seems to be true will always be true.
4.
People tend to overreact.
5.
A situation that has been imagined, read about, etc. may not be easily recognized when it becomes a real situation. This is because the feel of the imagined situation may have been very distinctive, but the real situation feels much more like every other real situation. Examples: “corruption,” “falling in love,” “heroism.”
6.
In many situations, a variety of motivations drive people’s choice of actions. These motivations can range from deeply spiritual to simply practical. However, over time, the more abstract motivations tend to be forgotten, and the more practical motivations remembered and acted upon. It’s hard to cling to a concept; but practicalities—deadlines, costs, etc.—are hard to forget, and create their own inertia. As a result, people repeatedly find themselves going through the motions: continuing to do things that they once made the choice to do, but without retaining any sense of connection to their deepest needs and motivations. They feel lost, and their activities provide no real sustenance.
7.
People are not their roles.
8.
Many situations apparently resolved through formal processes, such as hiring staff, or creating legislation, are really resolved through a complex combination of formal and informal processes. Very often, the informal processes—which may be unacknowledged and hidden from view—are the more important ones.
9.
The key to effective communication is to understand one’s audience. And a lot of people can’t or don’t bother to understand many audiences for their communications.
10.
People may have to hear the same good idea many times before it enters their consciousness.
11.
Ideas are not appreciated or rewarded in proportion to their truth, beauty, explanatory power, or even social value. Other factors typically matter more. Among them: The credentials of the idea’s originator (however arbitrary their connection to the idea); the prospect that somebody can turn a profit from the idea; and the degree to which the idea departs from, or even improves upon, accepted wisdom (the more it does, the less likely it will be appreciated and rewarded).
12.
Often people want things for reasons they can’t quite put their finger on. It’s just something that they feel—maybe the subtle combination of a number of subjective factors (“I want Chinese food—even though we had Chinese last night;” “I want to go home now;” “I want this job despite the fact that it pays less than the other one”). Because they are personal impulses rather than the products of reasoning, these desires can be difficult to assert or defend. In forums where a collective decision is being made, logical arguments may be favored and impulsive arguments dismissed. But the impulses are real, and their connection to people’s welfare is real as well. It is perfectly legitimate to act on such impulses, and to resist the people who try to defeat them with arguments.
13.
Many actions appear to reflect clear, easily inferred motives but in fact do not. People and institutions do all sorts of things that may seem planned, polished and connected to a strategic agenda, but actually are the products of inertia, laziness, whim, jittery responses to incomplete information, or other motives more complex or confused than they seem.
14.
Social change happens in a gestalt—not as the result of any single well-conceived, well-executed program, policy or intervention. There is no single initiative that will save the world. This is because people, institutions, relationships and cultures are extremely complex. Any single action aimed at social change, however well-conceived and widely supported, is likely to be challenged, diverted, thwarted, misunderstood and/or misapplied in a thousand different ways. But honest, thoughtful efforts can have a cumulative effect. Slowly, person-by-person, relationship-by-relationship, they shift the underlying culture and expectations. So the good that we do is not always the immediate good that we intend.
15.
People express opinions for a lot of different reasons. That they really, deeply believe in what they are saying is only one of them.
16.
Overly zealous advocacy of a certain perspective alienates people who might otherwise have adopted that perspective in due time.
17.
The most insidious way to attack or undermine an idea is to call something else by its name.
18.
There are many situations that feel rotten, even when handled perfectly. (Examples: consoling somebody on the death of a friend; apologizing for a mistake that caused a lot of harm). So it is a mistake to assume from the rotten feeling that you have said or done the wrong thing.
19.
A picture left in the same place on the wall long enough will become invisible.
20.
Some things can be learned only through experience.
21.
When the true relationship between cause and effect is unknown, very simple patterns can appear vastly more complicated than they really are.
22.
Perceptions freeze more easily than situations. Once a person has formed a perception of a situation, he or she is likely to miss the fact that the situation has shifted subtly or gradually over time.
23.
Ambiguities in the early part of an arrangement can be costly to resolve. They may be the only things making the arrangement possible. Business deals, marriages, friendships—all may depend on the parties failing to reveal and resolve conflicts in their perceptions about the facts behind their transactions. If one of the parties, at the commencement of an arrangement, sees that these unresolved conflicts may exist, it can be very tempting to keep quiet about them and hope for the best. But the cost of cleaning up the messes that can arise when these conflicts come to light later, long after all parties have begun to take actions consistent with their own perceptions, can be far, far greater. In general, it is much better to name and attempt to resolve ambiguities on the front end of an arrangement rather than risk the catastrophe of having them derail the arrangement later.
24.
Justice is often associated with equality. “Splitting the difference” has a ring of fairness to it. Exhibiting “balance” in reporting on a situation—for example, devoting the same amount of journalistic space to each side of a controversy—seems evenhanded. But in situations in which there actually is a fundamental underlying inequality, treating people equally is fundamentally unjust. For example, if two people disagree about ten aspects of a transaction, but one of the two people is correct about all ten aspects and the other is simply lying for his or her own gain, it would be unjust to conclude that each person must be right about five of the ten sources of disagreement, or to simply “split the difference.”
25.
The two major sources of happiness are self-expression and love. And in truth, they are the same things.
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by David Hoffman I was a sensitive young man, sometimes confused or hurt by social situations and people's behavior. In the years after college, I finally started to see patterns in...
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Interested in grad school at NC State?
Apply for Feb visit day - expenses paid
The
Graduate School at NC State University will host a Scholars Visitation
Program, February 26-28, 2017. These programs are provided at no cost to students who are accepted into the visitation program. Completed applications to attend the Program can be emailed directly to the Program Director, Brett A. Locklear. Additional information can be found on the NC State Scholars Visitation Program website.
*** The NC State Scholars Visitation Program is February 26-28, 2017.
The application deadline is November 30, 2016, at 12 noon.
Decisions will be emailed on December 16, 2016.
Website: go.ncsu.edu/scholarsvisit
Questions and Contact
For additional information and selection criteria, visit the website, or contact Brett A. Locklear, at balockle@ncsu.edu.
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The Graduate School at NC State University will host a Scholars Visitation Program, February 26-28, 2017. These programs are provided at no cost to students who are accepted into the visitation...
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Fri, 28 Oct 2016 14:20:41 -0400
Home: Paying Attention to Standing Rock
A reflection written by Women’s Center director, Jess Myers
As Critical Social Justice: Home comes to an end today, I can’t help but to think about what is happening at Standing Rock right now where over 100 police with military equipment are advancing on a resistance camp established by Native American water protectors in the path of the proposed $3.8 billion Dakota Access pipeline (details). My week starting off with me tuning into Democracy Now! to hear reports from water protectors who were arrested over the weekend at a peaceful march after they were confronted by police in riot gear, carrying assault rifles (details).
Then at the CSJ keynote event, Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha opened her talk by acknowledging the Susquehannock and Lenape people, whose land UMBC stands on or is nearby. She went on to say that except for the Piscataway, Maryland does not recognize any Nations because, as with many mid Atlantic states, Native people were displaced onto Oklahoma Indian Territory or other places of displacement during colonization in the 1700s. When I lived in Colorado, speakers at events would often start with this land acknowledgment, in fact, some professors even named it in their course syllabi. It has been a long time since I’ve been in a space where this critical history has been acknowledge.
Later in the week, I saw an infograph created by FORCE: Upsetting Rape Culture that outlined the scary realities of “Sexual Assault on the Pipeline.”
As we spent the whole week exploring and navigating the complexities of home, I can’t stop thinking about Standing Rock, the water protectors, and what the pipeline will do to the homes and communities of Native American and Indigenous people, specifically the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. We would be remiss if we did not name their cause, efforts, and fight for home this week.
In social justice circles, you’ll often hear people say, “Do the work.” This is a call for us to learn about issues, do self-reflection, and appropriately lend our voice and action to the cause. While I’m still learning about this evolving issue, I wanted to at least share the information I’ve been accessing and provide some resources for where we can keep learning about this critical issue happening right now. Please note, this is not an exhaustive list! As you explore resources, be sure to check out coverage and resources directly created by Native American voices and those that amplify their voices.
Once again, this is not an exhaustive list. Use this short list to get started and keep clicking on the links for more information and resources!
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A reflection written by Women’s Center director, Jess Myers As Critical Social Justice: Home comes to an end today, I can’t help but to think about what is happening at Standing Rock right now...
https://critsocjustice.wordpress.com/2016/10/28/home-paying-attention-to-standing-rock/
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