UMBC to Close Church Lot to Preserve Holy Spawning Grounds

Wed, 17 Aug 2016 19:04:31 -0400

For many years now, the UMBC campus has featured a vast, extensive swamp commonly referred to as “Church lot”. Believe it or not, this property isn’t actually owned by the university at all, but instead possession is split between Baltimore County officials and the Arbutus United Methodist Church. What’s even less known is that the sodden slush of the vacant property provides a wonderful breeding ground for local religious officials. Make no mistake, it is an empirical fact that every priest and pastor who has ever seen the inside of the local church has spawned from the murky depths of church lot’s unkempt marshland. Needless to say, the church is fairly protective of their leader’s birthing territory, which is why as of August 22nd 2016, UMBC students and innocent churchgoers alike will be banned from parking along the extended bog under penalty of a state-issued parking ticket.

Now, before you get your panties in a bunch, do remember that the church owns a considerable amount of the property and it’s fully understandable that they would want to protect it. That being said, tensions between the church and the school have been escalating since the beginning of the Christian faith (Jesus really did not fuck with retrievers), so it’s no surprise that they would jump at any opportunity to get our heathen students out of their pious faces. But we have to play along, because the school really isn't in any position to start beef with the church, and besides, UMBC hosts better Breakfasts and Bingo than any church could hope to compete with.

All bullshit aside, we can’t really blame the Arbutus Methodist Church for kindly asking that we take our cars elsewhere. Rumors and other unverified leads suggest that the church has been receiving citations from the county for the buildup of cars along the vacant lot. Why anyone from the local government actually gives a fuck what happens to the property is still a mystery (it’s not like they are going to use it for anything constructive) but hey, anything to keep higher education away from the reckless hands of American youth. It’s been clear for some time now that Arbutus REALLY does not want to become a college town, despite the fact that UMBC 50th Anniversary banners are clinging to local street corners like a second-year dropout with big tits. But are the interests of the state really in favor of us taxpaying citizens. I, for one, have a sneaking suspicion that if you were to survey the neighborhood for popular opinion concerning the use of church lot, 95% of people would be in favor of any policy that keeps UMBC commuters away from their streets and driveways. But then again, what the fuck do I know, I’m just another goddamn student.

-Keith Mias