At this point, we hope you’re aware of the ongoing feud between this venerable paper and the chicken tendies. You know, the chicken tendies sold at the Grille, The Commons dining location that we recently deemed “kind of a shithole.” We hope you didn’t think that was the end of our tendie coverage.

But this time, we’re not just bitching (nor are we moaning). We want to propose a solution: squirrel meat tendies.

It may be a bold idea, but it’s not unheard of. In many places, especially states in which roadkill is legally edible, a cut of squirrel meat can be a delicacy.

And, let’s not forget that UMBC has a thriving squirrel population. We’re pretty much a squirrel farm already. So, why not maximize our efficiency, and take advantage of a previously untapped resource?

We know that this might be a hard sell for some students. But hear us out: squirrel tendies would taste pretty much the same (after all, everything tastes like chicken). They’d be cheap and accessible, and they’d solve a rampant rodent problem. There’s not a single downside.

To put some of your fears to rest, we spoke to Mike Hunt, a member of UMBC’s dining team. “It’s a really feasible option,” Hunt said. “I, personally, always sat down for Thanksgiving dinner to a beautiful, juicy, roasted squirrel. I’d love it if students on campus could share in my childlike love for squirrel.”

“The tail is, without doubt, the best part,” said Hunt. “I’m not sure how processed you all would like the tendies to be. But if you could save me the tail, I’d really appreciate it.”

With Squirrel Tendies™, everyone’s winning. You can benefit from better dining options. UMBC Dining will benefit because we’ll stop printing mean things about them. Let’s not forget, though, that the campus can benefit architecturally. Rather than devote large sums of money to the new Retriever Event Center, we’d like to propose the construction of a meat processing plant.

It’s classic vertical integration. We already own the raw material, because we have so many squirrels just running around. We own the facilities that serve food. All we need to complete the chain is to control the means of production. So, if we build our own meat factory, we’ll be set to rake in the profits.

Construction of the REC is still in the beginning stages, so now is the perfect time to act. According to Dick Horn of Facilities Management, the REC’s design could easily be adapted for squirrel processing. “We’re not that committed to an events center,” said Horn. “A slaughterhouse and meatpacking plant would be just as good, and it would absolutely elevate the national reputation of our campus.”

So, next time you take a bite of a chicken tendie, think about a cute, fluffy little squirrel, with big adorable eyes. You won’t regret it.

The post #SquirrelifyOurTendies appeared first on The Retriever.

During this momentous election year, we are set to break ground no matter the possible results. America will have either its first Jewish, female, orange or serial killer president. I am, of course, speaking of GOP presidential hopeful Ted Cruz, also “allegedly” known as the infamous Zodiac Killer.

Now, there is no concrete proof of this overwhelmingly supported claim. If there was, a certain someone would be rotting in a jail cell right about now, having to live the rest of their lives with nothing but their mangled conscience.

The Zodiac Killer was a serial murderer operating primarily in California during the 1960s-70s whose identity has never been revealed, until now. He has five dead confirmed victims to his name, two injured, and another 20-28 possible murders.

Cruz’s involvement may seem impossible due to the shifty time-line, however, strictly speaking, he could still be the killer. After years of American crime syndicated television, I think we all know that sometimes the killer may very well be the least likely candidate. And although Cruz (if that is his real name) wasn’t technically born and was technically a baby during most of the attacks, doesn’t completely cover-up his possible involvement.

It has been statistically proven that serial killers are typically white males with fatherless households and contempt for women. Considering Cruz’s politics on things from birth control to abortion, we can check contempt for women off the list. And for a year in his childhood, his father left the family.

So far, we have the mere possibility that the potential next leader of this country is a psychopathic killer. However, is there more non-circumstantial evidence?

Of course there is!

Interestingly enough, Ted Cruz has never denied being the Zodiac Killer. If he had nothing to hide, why wouldn’t he just set the record straight? In regards to his age at the time of the alleged killings, perhaps the American people deserve to see a copy of his real birth certificate, not that Canadian forgery. I mean, if Obama had to cough that shit up, don’t we have a right to know who we’re voting for?

38 percent of Florida voters knows exactly what’s going on. No punchable looking politician could get past these people. A poll revealed that 10 percent of Floridians are rightfully convinced that Cruz is the reprehensible man who murdered God knows how many people. The other 28 percent believe it to be a possibility. 62 percent are perhaps too frightened to let their voice be heard in fear of retaliation.

A former nanny to the Cruz family, who understandably wishes to remain anonymous, had this to say of Cruz: “He was a devil child who consistently wet the bed [another common trait of serial killers] and took glee in leaving carcasses of all sorts of animals around the house. He is the reason I stash both a rosary and knife under my pillow every night.”

I was unable to finish my conversation with her just as when I believe she was about to reveal the way a seemingly “young child” was able to destroy so many a lives when the phone line mysteriously went silent…

Either way, maybe Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer, maybe not. That is up to the individual to decide after taking a look at the shockingly compelling evidence. But one thing is for sure: no one knows exactly who the Zodiac Killer is, so, it is not implausible to at least consider this likely theory.

The post #TedCruzIsTheZodiacKiller appeared first on The Retriever.

The UMBC men’s basketball team, following a disappointing 7–25 season with an even more inefficacious conference record, has already begun preparations for the 2016-17 winter season. They kick-started their recruitment process with tenacity to improve for next year.

This past week, the athletics department at UMBC sent talent scouts to nearby Baltimore County high schools, and took a long look at local basketball players, and more specifically the fundraiser work they did for their schools. The team made a point to bolster its roster by doubling down on players that supported their high school with events such as bake sales, car washes and other events aimed to increase funding for the school and service the community.

“We always hope to improve the basketball team not only in basketball talent, but also in development of character and progress off the field,” said a school official on this year’s talent outreach.

The efforts brought UMBC’s awareness to local senior Dominique Brown, a Woodlawn High School student who brought in twice as much as any other student in the last year’s food drive. Further, he was regularly involved in class events sponsored by the student government, and sources claim that the angel cake he brought to the team bake sale was “exquisite.”

The team is also looking to bounce back by filling the new coaching vacancy. Again, the position will be filled by in school talent by way of The Retriever’s sports editor, Everett Burris.

“It’s going to be an uphill battle,” Burris said on his new role. “The pressure has been on since the interview. I walked in and the board asked, in all seriousness, ‘Are you sure you wanna accept this [position]? Like, seriously, you really want this job?’ Even though the season starts in the winter, I’m already trying to come up with a big advantage for the team to build on, but I’ve honestly got nothing right now.”

As always, during a coaching turnover, Burris began bringing in his own staff and personnel to help build the team around. The first major addition to the coaching staff was Conor Kennedy, assistant sports editor of The Retriever. The upstart assistant coach was frank in his comments.

“UMBC students are so spoiled by the chess team that they’re talking about the NCAA tournament already,” said Kennedy, “but the ambitions are really just to escape the basement of the America East Conference next year. I mean, it shouldn’t be too hard to jump Maine, should it?”

The Retrievers will start their 2016–17 campaign next November in the Retriever Activities Center, and the team’s ambitions will continue to rise along with the rest of the AEC.

The post Men’s basketball team recruits new coaches, looks forward to some kind of momentum appeared first on The Retriever.

Dude, I get it. Cops are totally messed up and keep causing a ruckus nationwide, just like completely messing with black people and stuff. It’s pretty important or whatever, but it seems to somehow entirely overshadow the real social injustice of society: frat lives matter.

Okay, okay, I’ll admit, we’re not being killed. But UMBC is the type of campus that breeds a culture of hate towards us fraternity gentlemen. They take one look at my Sperries and scoff as if their New Balances are somehow superior. My dad didn’t go to law school for me to have to suffer like this.

I get all of my news from Total Frat Move. Mostly hot pics of girls and articles slamming stupid social justice warriors for being sensitive babies, but there’s no denying that there’s a serious bit of discrimination of UMBC’s campus. Reading about Greek Life at other schools has made me realize how deep this rabbit hole runs.

It’s all a conspiracy, just think about it. First they don’t let us have on-campus houses. Where am I supposed to get fucked up if not in the privacy of a luxury home? Not that it’s a huge deal, as I’m more likely to be turning up with my buds at Banditos with my $150 fake, but a campus house is a status symbol just like most of my possessions.

Instead they drive us off campus like rats, left to fend for ourselves, left having to throw empty cans of Genesee into my own backyard. Like, what is this, the 1950s? It’s a constant struggle at UMBC, a school that seems to care more about its chess club than my brothers.

Slap us with all the drinking violations you want, but at the end of the day, my brothers and I are all about philanthropy stuff. We do it for the charities. For those smiling babies in Yugoslavia and such. Think about the Himalayas, UMBC, and realize what we’ve done for the world.

Here’s my list of demands. For one, stop side-eyeing me for owning more pink polos than Kanye did back when Kanye was good. Two, stop asking me if I got hazed. I’m not going to tell you about the goat. Three, and this one’s a big one, for fuck’s sake quit trying to sit at my table in The Commons. It’s my fucking table you bigots.

You want to treat us poorly? Fine. At the end of the day, we’ll always rebound. I’ll find flasks to fit my booze in, I’ll find ways to harass pledges, I’ll find new places to party at. But you, UMBC, you won’t find anything like us again among your mess of god damn individuals.

The post #fratlivesmatter appeared first on The Retriever.

Earlier this week I met up with UMBC art student Harry Bach who, later this month, will be launching his first art exhibit in the Albin O. Kuhn Library and Gallery. During our meeting, Bach talked about a number of things such as why he thinks his art is unique, his artistic process and what might be up next for him and his career.

Tell the readers about what it is exactly you do and why you think that what you do is different from everything else that is being done today in the art world.

Well, I am unique in that I don’t use a traditional medium.  I don’t paint with paint.  I don’t make drawings with pencils and pens.  I don’t sculpt or photograph.  I make pictures out of hair that I get from my very own body – head hair, chest hair, back hair and even pubes — I use it all.  I have transcended traditional art by not only creating unique artwork but by innovating a new medium with which to do so.  My first exhibit that will be opening on April 31 consists of my hair arranged on canvas forming portraits of various UMBC professors.

How did it first occur to you to use hair to make portraits of people?

Well, one day I was shaving my back and when I looked at the floor and saw that the hair had fallen onto the ground in the shape of actress Kathy Bates. I was immediately inspired.  Ever since then I have made it my goal to depict people, scenes from nature and cityscapes using my hair.

Describe your process.

Well after I have finished one piece I must let my hair grow for usually around three weeks.  I then shave it all off and collect in a Ziploc bag. Once I have been inspired and I know what I am going to depict — something that usually comes to me while I am staring at classmates’ knotted and uncombed hair during my classes — I get to work arranging [my hair] onto canvas and then spraying it with an adhesive spray to lock it in place.  Once finished, I will post the piece on my website, hairpictions.umbc, where I will sell them often for thousands of dollars a piece.  People are just so eager to buy them.

What sacrifices have you made for your work?

Well, ever since I have been using my hair for my artwork I have ceased bathing as shampooing and rinsing my body rids my body of the many key natural oils that give my hair the lustrous quality that really comes out when arranged on the canvas.

What would you say your crowning accomplishment is?

Ahh, yes. My crowning accomplishment.  Never before seen by human eyes other than my own, my crown jewel will be revealed to the world on April 31 at the exhibit. I call this piece “Freeman A. Hairbowski,” and it is something that I have never before felt such a deep love for before. I have truly put my heart and soul into this piece and I hope that everyone that gets the chance to attend the exhibit will understand that. As you may have guessed it is a hairpiction of UMBC’s President, Freeman Hrabowski, who most graciously posed shirtless for me for 17 hours while I arranged my hair in his image.

What is next for you and your artistic career?

I anticipate that I will continue using hair to convey the innermost feelings of my soul.  However I am considering branching out and buying hair from other students in order to diversify my work.  I envision a rainbow of blonde, brown, black and red strewn across the canvas in the coming months.  In addition to this I also may begin to move away from realist depictions and branch out into the world of abstract hair art.

The post Hair-raising artistry appeared first on The Retriever.

The NCAA came down hard on the 2007-2008 men’s basketball team, discovering many violations that have led to the wins from that team being vacated from the record books. Chief among those violations is the recruitment of legitimate basketball players for their team. The teams America East regular season and tournament championships will also be vacated.

The erasing of the victories comes as another in a long line of low lights for a basketball program that has not finished with a winning season or an NCAA tournament bid since that time.

“We are deeply disheartened by the NCAA’s decision but we fully accept the consequences,” the UMBC athletic director said. “We should have known that signing multiple quality basketball players would come back to haunt the program one day.”

When asked how he enticed the players to come to the school, the head coach at the time said, “we just offered them scholarships and they said yes. I asked if they were sure three times and they said yes. I was as surprised as anyone.”

Many looked at the 07-08 Retrievers as the best in school history before the violations came to light. Known primarily as an academics first university, the Retrievers men’s basketball team finished 24–9, a 10 win increase from the previous season their most since the 2001 to 2002 season, winning the America East tournament and earning their first NCAA Division I tournament berth in school history. The Retrievers fell to the Georgetown University Hoyas in the first round.

One former student who attended every Retrievers home game as a student, found the quality of play to be different than other years. “The team would make open jump shots, played defense like they knew what they were doing,” the student said. “There were some games where they looked like a top 25 team even. The situation was fishy, I must admit.”

Those Retrievers played so well that they eventually caught the attention of the NCAA, wondering where the school got the players.

“When we saw the play of UMBC during that 2007 season, I remember asking myself, where did these players come from and why aren’t they playing at North Carolina or Kansas?’,” one NCAA official said. “At the very least, they could’ve gone to College Park. We already have Gonzaga and Xavier, we don’t need any more of these smaller schools taking over.”

When asked whether he thought the school was paying the players to attend the school, he chuckled and said, “Of course.”

Along with the vacating of the wins, the school must take down the America East championship banner and place it in storage. NCAA president Mark Emmert spoke more about the scandal at his press conference.

“We hope UMBC takes a hard look in the mirror,” Emmert said. “Hopefully with these vacated wins, the school will learn to stay in their place and stick to what they do best, reading books and playing checkers.”

When a reporter noted that UMBC was known for its chess prowess rather than checkers, Emmert said, “who cares?”

The post NCAA vacates wins from 2007-08 men’s hoops for recruiting actual basketball players appeared first on The Retriever.